What Can You Say (and Not Say) When Your Athlete Is Struggling with a Setback?
- Alyssa Zajdel, PhD
- Jan 19
- 3 min read
When I failed my test due to knee pain, I felt embarrassed, frustrated, and a little panicked. I had worked hard, followed the plan, and it still didn’t go how I imagined. After that came physical therapy, weeks off the ice, and eventually, a concussion. I had people in my corner who truly showed up for me: my coach, my physical therapist, my therapist, friends, family. Not because they gave me motivational pep talks, but because they validated how hard it was, and reminded me that this wasn’t the end of the road. They helped me feel seen—beyond the performance.
Why Setbacks Are So Hard for Athletes (And Why Support Matters)
For many athletes, especially teens and young adults, sport isn’t just an activity; it’s a core part of identity. Whether it’s the structure of training, the thrill of competition, or the relationships built on and off the field, sport can feel like home.
So when injury, illness, or a disappointing performance interrupts that rhythm, it can feel like more than a stumble. It can feel like a loss.
Athletes often carry intense internal pressure. That pressure can come from perfectionism, the fear of falling behind, cultural expectations, or a desire to represent their community well. For athletes of color, first-generation college students, disabled or chronically ill athletes, or LGBTQ+ athletes, the stakes can feel even higher due to added visibility, scrutiny, or lack of inclusive support systems.
That’s why the way you respond to a setback matters. It shapes how safe they feel being honest about their struggles.
What Not to Say When Your Athlete Is Struggling
It’s natural to want to help. But sometimes, well-meaning words can make athletes feel worse. Phrases like:
“You’ll be back in no time!”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“At least it wasn’t worse.”
“You just have to stay positive.”
While these comments are often intended to be uplifting, they can sometimes feel dismissive. They may invalidate the emotional weight of what your athlete is going through or suggest that there’s no room for grief, frustration, or fear.
This kind of positivity doesn’t leave space for honesty, and it can send the message that the athlete needs to hide their pain or bounce back quickly to be worthy of support.
What Athletes Actually Need to Hear
Athletes need attunement, not answers. They need validation, not quick fixes.
Here are things that tend to land better:
“It’s okay to feel disappointed. You worked really hard for this.”
“I’m here for you, no matter how long this takes.”
“You’re more than your performance. I see how much this matters to you.”
“Let’s figure out what support feels helpful right now, both physically and emotionally.”
Offering this kind of presence communicates that you value the person, not just the performer.
Encouraging flexibility in their recovery or comeback can also help athletes learn to trust their own pace, which is especially powerful in systems that often reward only linear progress.
Coaching for the Long Term: Encouraging Without Pressure
Whether you're a coach, parent, or trainer, it's worth reflecting on how we define "toughness" and "success."
Real toughness isn’t pushing through pain at all costs. It’s knowing when to rest, when to ask for help, and how to navigate challenges without losing your sense of self-worth.
Athletes need safe people in their corner when they’re not winning, especially people who won’t withdraw support when performance dips.
That might look like:
Celebrating small milestones in rehab
Giving them space to talk about what they’re feeling without judgment
Reframing success as sustainability and growth, not just outcomes
Questions to Reflect on as a Supporter
Support is a skill we build. If you care deeply about an athlete, consider these questions:
How does your discomfort show up when your athlete is hurting?
Are you trying to speed up their process to ease your own anxiety?
Are you reinforcing unrealistic timelines (even unintentionally)?
How do your words reflect your values around rest, effort, and identity?
Athletes will remember the way you made them feel far longer than the advice you gave. You don’t have to say the perfect thing. Just be present and be real. Be someone who sees them fully, even when they’re struggling.
Want to Be the Kind of Support That Truly Helps?
Your presence, patience, and empathy can make all the difference in whether an athlete feels alone or supported. The next time a setback shows up, try slowing down, listening first, and offering the kind of encouragement that honors their full humanity.
Legal Disclaimer
This blog post is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for mental health treatment, psychological services, or medical advice. Reading this post does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you are seeking support for your mental health or well-being, consider reaching out to a licensed mental health professional in your area.