What Can You Learn When You Don’t Succeed the First Time?
- Alyssa Zajdel, PhD
- Nov 3
- 3 min read
A few weeks ago, I took a figure skating test I’d been training for: the American Waltz, my final Silver-level partnered pattern dance. I felt ready. But the week of the test, knee pain returned—an old worry that brought back uncertainty, anxiety, and less-than-ideal prep. I chose to test anyway.
The result? A “retry.” In figure skating, that means two of the three judges didn’t pass you.
At that moment, I felt myself tearing up in a crowded rink lobby. I was proud of trying, but also embarrassed. I had to work hard to remind myself that a retry doesn’t reflect my worth. It’s part of the process. And actually, this kind of failure might be the most honest teacher we have.
When You Give It Your Best and Still Fall Short
Failure doesn’t always come from a lack of preparation or effort. Sometimes, you give it everything you’ve got and still end up short of your desired outcome. That makes it sting—it feels like the math doesn’t add up.
Athletes often ask: If hard work doesn’t guarantee success, then what’s the point? But in reality, sport (and life) is full of variables we can’t fully control. One of the toughest mental skills is learning how to handle the gap between effort and outcome.
For athletes from marginalized backgrounds, setbacks can carry extra weight — not just about performance, but about representation. Missing the mark might feel like it reflects on your whole identity, not just your skill.
Why a Retry Isn’t a Bad Thing
In skating, a retry doesn’t mean you’re not capable. It means not yet. It’s feedback, not a final verdict. A retry points to what needs work, but doesn’t erase the progress you’ve already made.
Think of it like strength training: if you can’t lift a certain weight today, that doesn’t mean you’ll never get there. It just means your muscles need more time. A retry in sport works the same way.
What Failure Felt Like (And What It Didn’t Mean!)
In that rink lobby, I felt embarrassed. I worried people were judging me, wondering why I hadn’t passed. I also felt frustrated because my body hadn’t cooperated the way I wanted.
But here’s what it didn’t mean:
It didn’t mean I wasn’t a good skater.
It didn’t mean I hadn’t worked hard.
It didn’t mean I wasn’t capable of passing in the future.
Failure often tricks us into collapsing one moment into our entire identity. But a single test, game, or routine doesn’t define who you are as an athlete or as a person.
Embarrassment after a setback is normal, but depending on your background, you might also feel pressure around stereotypes — like proving that women can be strong enough, that athletes of color belong in specific spaces, or that neurodivergent athletes can handle the demands of sport. Those added narratives can make failure feel even more personal.
Three Things to Know About Failure
Failure is clarifying. It points straight to the areas that still need work. Success feels good, but sometimes it hides the cracks. Failure doesn’t let you ignore them—it highlights where you have room to grow.
Failure is common. Every high-level athlete, performer, or professional you admire has failed more times than you realize. They just don’t always post about it on Instagram.
Failure isn’t final. Unless you quit, failure is always a step along the way. What feels like the end of the road is often just a detour toward growth.
Every athlete fails, but not every athlete feels the same freedom to talk about it. That’s why it matters when leaders, coaches, and role models openly share their own stumbles. It creates space for athletes of all backgrounds to know failure is part of growth, not a flaw.
Takeaways
A retry can sting, but it doesn’t mean you’re broken or behind. It means you’re still in motion. If you let it, failure can sharpen your focus, deepen your resilience, and remind you that your worth was never tied to a score sheet in the first place.
Reflection prompt: Think of a moment where you “failed.” What story did you tell yourself about what it meant? What else could be true?
Ready to turn setbacks into fuel to learn and grow?
Working with a sport psychology professional can help you reframe failure, steady your confidence, and keep moving forward. Reach out today to start building mental resilience for whatever comes next.
Legal Disclaimer
This blog post is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for mental health treatment, psychological services, or medical advice. Reading this post does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you are seeking support for your mental health or well-being, consider reaching out to a licensed mental health professional in your area.
