What should I say when my athlete is struggling to keep going?

I remember looking at my coach from across the rink, my legs trembling and my breath coming in those shallow, jagged gasps. I was deep into a pattern that felt like it was swallowing me whole. 

Because of how hard it was, I just wanted her to tell me I could stop. I wanted her to see how hard I was working and give me an out. Instead, she just looked at me and said, “It’s the last lap, Alyssa. It always hurts. It isn’t supposed to be comfortable.”

At the time, her words felt like a reality check I didn't want (but definitely needed!). She wasn't ignoring that I was tired; she was reminding me that being tired was part of the deal. 

I think about that moment a lot when I talk to parents and coaches who are watching their own athletes hit a wall. It is incredibly hard to watch someone you care about be in pain. Your brain usually wants to do one of two things: fix the feeling so they stop hurting, or push them through it so they get the result. Often, we don’t know which move is actually the "right" one.

Why "You're Fine" Usually Doesn’t Work

When we see an athlete visibly struggling, our instinct is to protect them. We say things like, "You’re fine," or "It’s not that bad." We’re trying to be encouraging, but to the athlete, it can feel like we aren't actually looking at them. For example, if my legs feel like lead and my lungs are on fire, being told I’m "fine" feels like a lie. It could make an athlete feel like they have to stay quiet about how hard it really is.

Something I tell supporters is that discomfort is just data. When you tell an athlete they’re fine, you’re basically telling them to ignore the data their body is sending. 

Instead, try just naming it. "I see your legs are burning—that’s your body doing the work." You aren't giving them a reason to quit, and you're still acknowledging that the "burn" is a real thing. 

When they feel seen, the panic usually goes down a notch. They stop worrying about whether they're "tough enough" and just go back to finishing the lap.

Creating Space to Keep Going

There is so much pressure in sports to be an invincible machine. This is even heavier for athletes who feel like they have to prove they belong because of their race or gender. They often feel like they can’t show any weakness without it being held against them. As a coach or parent, you can be the one person who makes it safe for them to be human.

The goal isn't to take the pain away, but to change the "vibe" of the struggle. Research shows that athletes actually persist longer when they hear motivational support that affirms their strength rather than just being told what to do. 

Instead of shouting "push harder," which feels like a demand, try something like, "I know this part is heavy, and I know you’ve got the strength for one more." You’re standing there with them in the mess of it, rather than demanding they get over it from the sidelines.

The Power of Just Being There

We often worry that if we admit "this is hard," our athlete will just give up. But usually, the opposite happens. When you validate the effort, you're taking the shame out of the struggle. They don't have to waste energy trying to convince you they’re tired, and they can use that energy to actually finish the drill!

By saying, "I know this lap is the hardest one," you're building trust. You're showing them that you see their limits and you aren't going to ask them to ignore their own bodies. 

It builds a kind of "attunement" where the athlete knows you’re in their corner, even when things are ugly. Resilience isn't about ignoring the burn; it’s about knowing you have someone who recognizes how much it hurts and still believes you can do it.

When you see your athlete struggling, does your own discomfort make you want to "fix" the feeling or "push" them through it?

Ready to Build a More Resilient Support System?

Supporting a high-performing athlete is a skill, and it’s okay if you don’t always have the perfect words. Our sport psychology team works with coaches and parents to find that middle ground—where you can encourage effort without losing the human connection. Reach out today to see how we can support you and your athlete.

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Legal Disclaimer

This blog post is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for mental health treatment, psychological services, or medical advice. Reading this post does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you are seeking support for your mental health or well-being, consider reaching out to a licensed mental health professional in your area.