What Should You Say When Your Athlete Feels Anxious?
- Alyssa Zajdel, PhD
- Sep 22
- 4 min read
Anxiety is a regular part of sport, and for many athletes, it shows up before they even get to the start line. Personally, anxiety has been a part of my whole sporting experience. I usually get a fast heartbeat, shallow breath, and nervous energy that won’t settle down.
It can be tough to know what to say if you’re a parent or coach watching it happen. You want to help, but nothing seems to land quite right.
You might worry that saying the wrong thing could make it worse or that saying nothing at all leaves your athlete feeling alone.
This post is here to help you support athletes with compassion, without over-pathologizing their nerves or downplaying their experience.
First, Understand What Anxiety Feels Like for Athletes
Anxiety isn’t just in your athlete’s head. It’s in their body. Their heart might pound. Their chest might feel tight. Their legs might feel shaky or heavy. Their brain might race with worry or go totally blank.
And none of that means something is wrong.
These physical sensations are part of their nervous system’s natural response to high-pressure situations. The fight-or-flight system kicks in, preparing them to act, perform, and protect. For some athletes, this stress response is energizing. For others, it feels overwhelming.
If you’ve never experienced anxiety in that way, it might be hard to relate, but empathy doesn’t require identical experiences. It just involves curiosity and care.
What Not to Say When an Athlete Is Anxious
Sometimes, what we say with good intentions can come across as dismissive or pressuring. Let’s look at some common phrases to rethink:
Instead of saying... | Try saying... |
“Calm down.” | “It makes sense that you're feeling this way.” |
“Don’t be nervous.” | “Nerves mean you care. Let’s take a deep breath together.” |
“You’ve got nothing to worry about.” | “You’ve prepared. Now let’s focus on what you can control.” |
“Just relax and have fun!” | “What usually helps you feel grounded before you compete?” |
“You’re fine.” | “I’m here if you need to talk through what’s going on.” |
These swaps validate the emotion without making it bigger. They also model the kind of self-talk you hope your athlete will internalize.
When I’ve heard phrases like “don’t be nervous” or “you’re fine” (even if well-intentioned!), it reinforces the idea that something is wrong with me, and “everyone else” can control their anxiety except for me.
Show Support With Curiosity, Not Control
It’s tempting to jump in and fix things, but anxious athletes don’t always need fixing. Sometimes, they just need space to feel their feelings, with a steady adult nearby.
Instead of trying to make anxiety disappear, try offering grounded support like:
“You’re allowed to feel anxious. Let’s figure out what you need.”
“Is there anything that usually helps in moments like this?”
“Do you want to talk it out, or just sit together for a bit?”
These questions let the athlete stay in charge of their experience while knowing they’re not alone.
Coaches: Model the Tone You Want for the Team
As a coach, your emotional tone sets the standard. If you treat anxiety like a weakness, your team will too. If you approach it with patience and empathy, your athletes will be more likely to ask for help and show up fully.
Some tips for coaches:
Normalize nerves in team meetings. Say things like: “It’s okay to feel off before competition — that’s part of this.”
Offer grounding strategies during warm-ups (breathing, music, movement).
Praise effort and progress, not just outcomes.
Avoid phrases like “toughen up” or “push through” when an athlete is clearly overwhelmed.
Creating a team culture that welcomes emotions doesn’t make your athletes soft. It makes them resilient because they learn to regulate, recover, and perform under pressure.
Parents: Stay Calm, Be the Anchor
You know your kid best. If you notice anxiety creeping in, your calm presence goes a long way. You don’t need to say the perfect thing; you just need to show them they’re safe.
Some small ways to do this:
Pack a comfort item or playlist they love for travel days.
Ask how they’re feeling without jumping straight to problem-solving.
Let them know you’re proud of them for showing up, not just performing.
And if they have a rough day? Remind them: “Your worth isn’t tied to how you perform today. I love you either way.”
Final Thoughts
Your athlete’s anxiety doesn’t need to be “fixed.” It needs to be seen, supported, and understood.
With the proper support, athletes learn how to navigate challenging emotions without shame and become stronger as a result. When they have adults who meet them with calm, compassion, and curiosity, they start to believe that they can handle whatever comes their way.
Want support learning how to respond to anxiety with more confidence and care? Our sport psychology team works with athletes, parents, and coaches. Reach out here to learn more.
Legal Disclaimer:
This blog post is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for mental health treatment, psychological services, or medical advice. Reading this post does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you are seeking support for your mental health or well-being, consider reaching out to a licensed mental health professional in your area.
